First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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