hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
