Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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