It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
