If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
