u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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