Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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