i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
