So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
