Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
