Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
