So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
