His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
