I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
