Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Randomize
