I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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