its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
