just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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