Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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