oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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