stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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