I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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