A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You need Xanax blowdarts
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
