I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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