FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
