I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
