I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
