If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
