life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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