At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
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