I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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