I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
