I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
