Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
