dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
