I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
