Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I could fuck to npr.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
