Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
