Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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