I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
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You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
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I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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