Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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