my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
