"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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