I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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