remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
