Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
