I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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