everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
