happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
