I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
