i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
