wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
