watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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