she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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