I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
