so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
