i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
